Setting Boundaries and Agreements - A Necessary Evil
Posted on December 13, 2010 12:00:00am, by Gerrianne Clare
Over the years I have read alot about the importance of setting boundaries in life.
What does that really mean?
Setting boundaries is similar to defining expectations or agreements in a relationship.
For me, there are a multitude of areas where I want to set clearer boundaries in my life.
What about you?
Over the past couple of months the need to set clear expectations has become very apparent. Without going into too many details, I have had some dealings with a family member that have really tested my limits.
(In this blog, the boundaries I am talking about are around money however, agreements and expectations around behavior, attitudes, support, resources etc. also apply.)
We made a loan of money to a family member as they were having financial troubles. My husband and I were in a financial position to help out so we did.
We had clear verbal agreements on the repayment schedule for this loan but this is where our boundaries started to get a little blurred.
Since this was a verbal agreement, the expectations we set out were exactly what each person remembered about the conversation. We did not have a written agreement between us.
This family member had lots of things that were going on in their life and neglected to make their payment to us when expected. As time wore on, I became increasingly frustrated and started to nag to get our money back.
Letting things slide, becoming a nag and feeling resentful are all part of how I have handled unmet expectations in the past. When this happens I feel gross, the relationship suffers and there is a slippery slope of muddy boundaries.
With this situation, I decided to redefine my expectations, put in some clear boundaries and get the agreement in writing so there was no question about the expectations. This way, the agreement could be renegotiated as needed versus letting it slide.
It is not that we are desperate for the funds at hand, but that is not the point. What is important to me is holding this person accountable for their agreements with me, in order to preserve the relationship.
When I made the loan to this person, I had an expectation that they would honor their agreement with me. If they were not able to meet our agreement, then I expect them to come to me to renegotiate the agreement so that the relationship stays intact and healthy. (I do not want to chase them)
This has been a big lesson for me on many fronts.
- When the agreements are about money it is important to have clear expectations for repayment in place – written agreements are best
- When setting up agreements around anything, it is important to acknowledge the importance of honoring the agreements and to hold myself accountable for the outcome I want
- If the agreement cannot be honored, then renegotiation is imperative
The biggest lesson for me is:
- Do not let people off the hook for their agreements because they have drama/problems in their lives.
- If they need to renegotiate the agreement because of “stuff” that has come up, empower them to do so instead of “feeling sorry” for them or “assuming” they are not capable.
Believing in them and their ability to handle the “stuff” that comes up will go a long way to strengthen the relationship.
I am curious what you have noticed about your boundaries and agreements with others. Comment below and let us know how you set and maintain your boundaries in relationships.
Much love,
Gerrianne