Are you Ashamed????
Posted on November 8, 2010 12:00:00am, by Gerrianne Clare
Did you know that we are the most in debt, addicted, obese, and medicated generation in history?
It is incredibly sad that North Americans have the most wealth but they are the most unhappy. Why is this?
I just had the opportunity to listen to Dr. Brene Brown talk on TED TV about shame and vulnerability.
She articulates beautifully how her research on shame and vulnerability helps to answer these questions.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9cGRub0&feature=player_embedded .
We are society that lives in shame. No one talks about their shame, but we all have it, and the less we talk about it the more we have. And we are dreadfully afraid to talk about it. 
For many people, the inner sanctum of their mind harbors feelings of shame, guilt, fear and anger. And they suffer in silence because “if anyone really knew me and all of my insecurities they would not like me so I need to handle this one alone”. Sound familiar?
Having been raised in a family of 8 kids with 5 brothers and 2 sisters, I was teased, bullied and ridiculed incessantly. If I showed any signs of weakness I would be called a “cry baby” and laughed at.
As a result of this, I grew up thinking I needed to be strong, handle things alone and pretend that nothing bothered me.
As a teenager and young adult this way of being resulted in me being quite a hypochondriac; looking for love and attention through illness.
I believed that the only way I could be loved was when I was sick.
One day I woke up from a surgery that I did not need and said to myself “enough is enough”.
From that moment on, I knew I needed to find a new way of being in my life. That started me on my journey into personal growth and development. To fully engage in this growth, I needed to be vulnerable, to let people see me “warts and all”.
This journey was long and sometimes difficult and it continues today and will until the day I die.
What I have noticed is that through my vulnerability, I am more alive in my life. I live life fully, engage in it wholeheartedly and allow myself to feel all the highs and all the lows as painful as they may be.
I am so excited that this research on shame and vulnerability is out there. Why? Because I believe that when people tell themselves the truth, they will recognize how lonely it is to suffer in silence and will seek out ways to open up to the a new way of being in their life.
What I notice in my work with clients, as they discover their vulnerability there is an opening that breeds new openings.
I have had clients venture into conversations with loved ones that months before they would never have believed possible.
I have had clients discover the beauty they possess inside when before all they could see was their brokenness.
The journey into our souls and our shame requires a beautiful helping hand.
If this is something you want to explore, find someone who you can do this journey with safely, lovingly and wholeheartedly.
I recommend that you seek out a qualified coach, mentor or counselor to guide you through this time. Family members can be helpful but often are too emotionally attached to fully allow you your time to grow.
Regardless of who you use, remember, it takes courage to be vulnerable. You deserve a pat on the back for contemplating this next step.
Please let me know your thoughts. I would love you to comment.
If this is something you want to explore further and are looking for guidance, I encourage you to sign up for a complimentary 30 minute consultation with me to find out more.
To do so, fill out this SIGN UP FORM to find out more.
Let me know what you think.
Thinking of you with a tickle and a smile
Gerrianne
Comments
Posted by Stephanie on November 9, 2010 at 1:16:41pm
This is a timely post as I've been ruminating lately about the first 6 months of my sons life and of being a new mom. Feeling SO alone and isolated. Changing from a high-functioning corporate gal who had life by the balls, to a woman who couldn't figure out how to get supper on the table with a new baby in the house! Feeling so much shame when I sat alone and cried after the 2 hours of trying to get baby to sleep. Or even the shame around the fact that I didn't know what I was doing! (How could I NOT know that all he needed was a burp?) Oh, I was so ashamed and embarrassed for myself. I thought something was wrong with me. What kind of mother was I if I cried each night (after 18 hours of mothering on 3 hours sleep with no support) (yeah, I know...)?
Until one day I wasn't ashamed anymore. Until I started to meet other new moms who were going through the exact same thing. Until I reached out to friends who were moms and they told me how they went through it too. And so I didn't feel so alone anymore. And the shame started to lift. I wasn't a mess, I wasn't a ding dong, I was a new mom.
Who was running on no sleep.
Who had no support.
What I learned? It helps to know that you are not alone. Not that I want anyone to go through that sort of hell, no no, not at all. It was just comforting to know that those feelings were common. That it takes a while to figure out how to get supper on the table with a new baby in the house! That it wasn't just ME.
Posted by Gerrianne on November 9, 2010 at 1:53:28pm
Beautiful post. Life with a new baby is such a learning curve and to do this alone is so hard and we feel so much shame.
I love how you reached out, shared and accepted what is to create more peace for yourself. New moms need support. Who ever said that moms should know what to do has never been a mom.
Love alone is not enough, we need skills, we need strategies and love because the lack of sleep, lack of support and lack of self confidence can eat away at the soul. Being a mom is a lifelong journey, I am thrilled you have found your way to knowing you are not alone in your struggles.
Thank you so much for sharing and take good care of yourself along the way.
Hugs, Gerrianne
Posted by Shasheen on November 9, 2010 at 3:00:47pm
Great Post Gerrianne!
I wrote a post about what was possible in my community the moment I decided to open up and be more vulnerable after a devastating break up that happened over 2 years ago. The results of opening myself up to my community were profound.
Just writing the post felt risky for me...keeping up an image has always been a part of the game I thought I was supposed to play.
Brown is spot on in her TED talk about the power of being "Wholehearted" and there really is something indescribably that happens when you are willing to show yourself to your community.
Thanks for being someone that is willing to "do" and share the work!
From the heart
Shasheen
http://pinkelephantproject.blogspot.com/2009/05/why-community-matters-power-of.html
Posted by Gerrianne on November 9, 2010 at 3:56:25pm
Thanks Shasheen, Awesome breakthrough in vulnerability when you opened up to your community. It is so freeing to let go of the charade.
Your sharing the TED talk with me was such a gift. It validates all of the work I do.
Clients that walk through my door have taken the first step in opening up. They know they want some help and they know it is time to take off the mask (with me at least).
I love watching clients transform as they become more wholehearted and vulnerable with the world. Even though it is a scary process, the results in their lives are amazing.
Much love and thanks, Gerrianne
Posted by Sonia on November 9, 2010 at 9:13:02pm
I m very familiar with the subject because it happened with me. I had tonsils problem when I was small, I was weak and my colleagues hit me some times. My mother was always angry with me because I was not strong enough. My father was feeling sorry and kept giving me good meals full of protein , meet, chicken to become stronger. I got used to hear that I m ugly and my three sisters are more beautiful than me. After I got married iv e heard my mom saying to her friend that I m the prettiest but they did not want me to be spoiled. Later on I put on few more kilos and it became a big problem for my husband. All the day long,, loose wait, loose wait, do not dress this, do not dress that, you are fat, it does ‘not mach you… and so on.
Now I m an MBA graduated, I have my own business www.soniaamer.com beside my part time job, after I suffered a lot I took the decision to get rid of all that shit, I needed a psychiatric and he said that my insecurity feeling I have came because I lost my aunt when I was 6 years old. In fact, she was acting my mom, because my mom was busy with my stronger sisters.
However, I’ m happy now, I’ m proud of myself, I had two lovely children, and I’ m still not tall, bit fat, and not feeling well sometimes.
Posted by Katherine on November 9, 2010 at 9:30:39pm
Hi Gerrianne,
Thanks for sharing the Brene Brown link - I checked it out and think it's awesome and I'll be using that for *sure* with my clients! Here's to life without shame!
Cheers,
Katherine
Posted by Gerrianne on November 10, 2010 at 9:21:03am
Thank you for the comment Sonia. We are faced with so many things as we grow up. Our parents do the best they do based on the resources they have at the time.
You have found your way and it is awesome that you can say you are happy, proud of yourself.
Keep reaching out and sharing. You are awesome and thanks again.
Posted by Gerrianne on November 10, 2010 at 9:22:49am
Thank you for commenting. The more the word about shame and vulnerability gets out there, the healthier families and people will be. When we open up and show ourselves to the world, we become free to be who we really are.
Take good care