Adult Children - Creating the Connection you Want
Posted on September 14, 2010 12:00:00am, by Gerrianne Clare
It is amazing how many people have commented lately about the challenges they are having in their relationships with their adult children.
The story sounds familiar.
Something happened in the relationship and now there is a disconnection that is eating away at the heart of the parent. (and if the truth be told, at the heart of the adult child as well)
Many times the parent is unsure of what went wrong? Other times, they know what happened BUT they do not know how to make amends in a meaningful way.
Regardless of whether the child is 5 or 45, the bond between parents and child exists. When the child becomes an adult and moves on in their lives, the day to day experiences are gone, but the desire for some form of connection continues. This is especially true if there are grandchildren involved.
When disconnection occurs, the desire to arrive at a solution is clouded with uncertainly and doubt. 
- How can we repair the damage of so many years?
- How can we make amends and forgive?
- How can I even start the conversation when they want nothing to do with me?
What can be done?
As hard as it is to believe, there is a way to navigate through these situations.
It takes some soul searching and some strategy to find the way.
When I work with families I help them gain clarity about the outcome that they really want and then from there, we get to work on finding tools and strategies to get them where they want to go.
To begin with:
Spend time in self-reflection and tell yourself the truth about the situation.
Tune into the present moment to quiet your mind and help you gain perspective.
Ask yourself these questions to help you get into “the present moment”
- What am I doing right now? Gets you into NOW – notice your surroundings, sounds, smells
- How am I feeling in my body in this moment? Notice sensations in head, neck, shoulders, stomach
- What are my thoughts?
- How am I my feeling? Name the feelings
- What do I want?
- What is one thing I can do right now to get me closer to my goal
In our relationships with our adult children, there is no easy solution.
YET there is a way.
The answers lie within you and come from your inner wisdom.
When you spend time tuning into your body and the present moment your inner wisdom has a chance to be heard.
Then you will discover what is true for you, what you want and how you want to feel.
THEN the HOW will show up.
The HOW comes through:
- AWARENESS – opening the door to find a new way of approaching the situation
- SUPPORT – from people who believe in your ability to get through this time with integrity and grace
- TOOLS - to help you live in the moment, think more clearly, respond in the way you want to
- STRATEGIES – to implement the tools in ways that fit into your life and reality.
Adult children are who they are. They are living their lives the way they are living their lives.
As the parents of these adults, we want to have a connection that is meaningful and heartfelt.
Sometimes things get in the way of this happening and we may lose hope of this ever improving.
Taking time to get clear on what you want, tune into your body and the answers that live within can be a powerful way to create the heartfelt connection you are looking for.
Please comment if you have any thoughts about your relationship with your adult children OR your relationship with your parents.
What have you discovered on your journey into adulthood.
Take care and I look forward to hearing from you.
Gerrianne
Comments
Posted by Sandra Mc on October 5, 2010 at 6:07:48pm
It is so good to read this because I felt I WAS all alone. My 2 children have severed their relationship over a year ago. I kept hoping it would get better. It hasn't.
Fortunately, i have a good relationship with each child indepentantly. Spouses and grandchildren as well. Thank goodness.
Whenever i fail to sleep at night, the idea that our family feels broken, comes rushing into my mind. I am sick with a sense of emptyness. They are missing so much from eachother.
Even though they have never been good friends, we are still family.
I am now committed to looking inside and pulling on my inner wisdom.